How To Control Your Reactions To Emotions
Anxiety Therapy San Francisco
Have you ever found yourself saying “I don’t want to feel this way” when experiencing a tough emotion? Most of us at one point or another have wanted to simply wish an emotion away or have control of whether we feel an uncomfortable emotion in the first place. As a therapist, I noticed that initially many clients desire to not feel any difficult emotions and come to me to “learn to control” their emotions. “Learn to control your emotions” often seems to be code for “stop feeling any of these troublesome emotions that are bothering me.” Many people when growing up got admonished for outwardly showing emotions (“control yourself” or “don’t be a crybaby”) and as children we might have internalized the message to simply not feel certain emotions. While the reason behind our caregivers’ unwillingness to deal with our emotions can vary (being emotionally immature, suffering from mental illness, or being stressed due to systemic factors such as poverty, etc.), the effect is largely that we are taught certain emotions are not appropriate to express or even feel. We may learn that we should shut down those “inappropriate emotions.” Unfortunately (or fortunately), emotions don’t operate that way.
I find that when clients or potential clients say they would like to control their emotions they are hoping I have a magic way for them not to have troublesome or uncomfortable feelings in the first place. I have some unfortunate news—that’s not how emotions work. If anyone promises you (therapist or otherwise) that you will never have to feel a bad emotion again, run, don’t walk away, from that person. You can *not* feel any emotions but that requires being numb and is often a side effect of trauma or using addictions to distract from feelings.
A better and more helpful goal would be to learn to feel the feelings that show up and use coping skills to deal with them if they cause distress. You can also make changes to your daily life so that you feel better and experience negative emotions less frequently. The end result of learning to feel your feelings is that you will be less surprised by them and have better control of your reactions, if not the feelings themselves. By developing coping skills for uncomfortable emotions or ways to self-soothe , you will also be less at the whim of your emotions and able to control your reactions.
What are some ways to help you learn to control your reactions to your emotions (not the emotions themselves)?
1) Take time each day to ask yourself how you are doing. Give yourself space to notice your feelings without judging them or treating them as a problem to solve.
2) Figure out ways to calm yourself down if you experience an unpleasant emotion. Exercise, deep breathing, meditation, or really anything that can help let your body know that you are ok and not under threat will work to help self-soothe.
If you need more information or help learning how to work with your emotions and/or anxiety therapy, please contact me, Lisa Manca, MA, LPCC, BC-DMT, for a free consultation at lisa@lisamanca.com or call me at (415) 212-8780.