How To Do A Mental Health Check-in For a Friend or Family Member—from an anxiety therapist in San Francisco

Given that the holidays can be stressful at the best of times and a recent suicide of a public figure, I thought as an anxiety therapist in San Francisco it would be helpful to write a guideline for how to check on friends and family who may be struggling with their mental health.  There are better and worse ways to show up for someone who is having a tough time.  Here are some important guidelines.

1)     Check in with yourself first.

How are you feeling?  Do you have emotional space and capacity to listen if that person is going through something heavy?  If the answer is no, don’t proceed.  It’s better for you to show up when you can honor the person’s experience fully and not when you are distracted, burnt out, etc.

2)     Be honest about your own capacity.

What are you prepared to do?  If you can’t listen, can you offer resources?  Are you willing to help them find resources?  Be clear with the person about what you can offer and how much time you have to support.

3)    If you decide to listen, listen without judgment.

This includes asking questions, allowing the person to talk about their emotions without trying to fix them, and not offering solutions unless the person asks for them.

4)     Avoid the use of cliches and offering pity.

Telling someone that there is silver lining to their crippling depression or anxiety is not only obnoxious, it can come off as cruel.  Ditto for any other cliches you think of and for any “you poor thing” talk.

5)    Avoid centering yourself or comparing your struggles.

While sometimes it can be helpful to talk about your own experiences, if someone is having a hard time coping, they may not be able to understand the parallels you are trying to draw to your life and it may came off as self-centered. Focus on them and what they need.

6)     Let the person know that they matter to you and you appreciate them.

Everyone needs to know that they matter and to feel seen and heard.

7)    Lastly, if you feel that this person needs more help, please help them find professionals such as counselors and therapists.  If it is an emergency you can call 988 (suicide and crisis line) or 911.

 If you have any questions about how to support someone or need support or care yourself,  please feel free to contact me, Lisa Manca, LPCC, BC-DMT at lisa@lisamanca.com.  I am happy to help with knowledge and resources in the SF bay area as an anxiety therapist in San Francisco.