Exploring The Power of No Through Dance Therapy
A young female client I worked with prided herself on being bubbly, easygoing, and happy—essentially light and breezy at most points in time. However, a source of difficulty for her was remaining true to herself (her emotions, thoughts, and needs) while knowing that how she thought or felt would cause conflict with others. She would often mute herself, opting instead to keep the feeling of community and connection that came with making another person happy. As a result, when conflict would arise, she noticed how often she accommodated the other person. “I don’t understand why I do that. My mom always encouraged me to be strong and independent.” Sensing that something from her childhood relationships could be behind her hesitancy in setting boundaries and saying no currently, I asked the client more about her mom and her feelings about her latest phone call with her mother.
By probing a little more deeply, I learned that although the client felt very close to her mom, she worried about directly telling her mom that she would not be coming home for the holidays. She feared her mother’s wrath if she said something to anger her. I requested that the client recall her earliest memory of angering her mother. She remembered her mother coming down the stairs and “yelling at me and getting in my face” ironically about the fact that she did not feel comfortable with how her mom treated her or staying alone with her mother. To help ground her, I had her imagine in that memory that someone she trusted came to protect her (“a competent protector,” as referenced in Diane Poole Heller’s attachment work). The client thought of her brother. In her imagined scenario her brother stood in front of her so her mother’s wrath could not touch her. Tears appeared in the client’s eyes as she described that in her real life her brother had intervened and stood in front of her to protect her from her mother’s verbal outburst. I urged the client to stay with the sensations that arose in her body from knowing that her brother did care and protected her. I also asked the client to say more about her role in managing her mother’s emotions. She also explained that her mom had told her “you’re the only one who knows how to deal with me when I am angry,” referencing the client’s ability to diffuse her mother’s anger by making her mother laugh.
After helping the client find a competent protector, I identified that the client could benefit by using movement to help her explore her response to her mom’s anger. We started with a movement warm-up to help facilitate movement and help her access feelings in her body. I had the client imagine her normal reaction to when someone becomes angry with her and portray that reaction in movement. The client crouched, making her body small and childlike. She later remarked “When I am in this position, it felt familiar.” I had client transition to a standing position, feel the ground underneath her and find solid weight with her feet pressing into the floor. I asked her to say the word “no” and extend her arms as though she was pushing someone away from her. I had her repeat the exercise until her voice didn’t waver and there was strength in her movement and she could access her verticality, her sense of self.
After finishing with the movement sequence, I invited the client to sit and discuss what feelings, thoughts, and images emerged for her throughout the session. The client noted how she felt more empowered when she said no but commented that what followed after her “no” made a difference. When client said “no, but” she felt that she was deflecting and accommodating. The client mentioned that the phrase “no and” felt “in theory” really good but she rarely used the phrase. When moving with the words “no, and” she imagined that the word “no” came from her mouth through her arms as she pushed her arms out away from her body and the word “and” was an energy that encircled her body like smoke. In this way once could imagine the word “no” forming a protective circle around her body.
If we look at my client’s longing to stay connected with her family and with those that she formed relationships with, we can understand how she would not feel comfortable using the word “no.” “No” is the word that starts all boundaries, a concrete way to let someone else know where we begin and end. If others react negatively to someone having different emotions or opinions, in essence protesting a person differentiating or being an individual, the person on the receiving end often associates negative consequences with saying no and setting boundaries. The association with setting a boundary is possibly losing the love or care relationships provide. As a child, it feels safer to abandon our wants and needs than risk losing love or security. In adulthood, we become people who are adept at pleasing others and ignoring our own needs without the faintest idea why we are programmed to do so. For my client and many like her, the journey back to herself, her needs, wants, and aspirations will first involve the word embracing the word “no” and the emotional fallout that results by letting others own their feelings about her boundaries. We can learn to stay connected to ourselves by not abandoning our needs and wants when conflict will result. Those who love us and respect us will respect our boundaries, even if they are at odds with their desires. A “no” may be the quickest way to see who a person is in relationship to us and one of the most essential ways to honor ourselves.
This blog described what can be uncovered during a dance therapy session. If you have questions about dance therapy in San Francisco or dance therapy in general, please feel free to contact me, Lisa Manca, MA, LPCC, BC-DMT, at (415) 212-8780 or email me at lisa@lisamanca.com.