Do You Have Difficulty With Dating and Connecting? Somatic Therapy Can Help
Somatic Therapy San Francisco
There can be many reasons why connecting to others in dating and relationships proves difficult. If a person has an avoidant attachment style that can lead to them becoming almost hyper independent and a “lone wolf.” Although people may view those who have an avoidant adaptation negatively, many times they have experienced one or more of the following from caregivers: isolation, emotional neglect, lack of presence, absence of touch, disrupted engagement, or even rejection. (Poole Heller, 2019). People with avoidant attachment styles have had to rely so utterly on themselves that the idea of trusting in another person or relationship seems impossible. They would rather go it alone. Their early experiences have taught them that people can’t be trusted and for good reason: their early caregivers were not able to be relied upon.
In much of U.S. society, the avoidant attachment style is idealized and falls in line with rugged individualism. The idea of not needing anyone for anything can be very appealing. However, the downside can be having series of relationships that feel unfulfilling and a continual sense of loneliness and a life lacking in human connection. It may feel that way even within relationships, like there is something better out there where the person can feel more but even in the next relationship, the person with avoidant attachment feels the same.
How To Assess For Avoidant Attachment (with Somatic Therapy San Francisco)
If the above description sounds familiar, read the questions below (from Diane Poole Heller’s book, The Power of Attachment) and note your responses.
Are close relationships difficult for you?
Does closeness cause you to create distance afterward?
Do you feel inexplicably stressed when people approach you physically?
Do you find it difficult to relax with your partner in your intimate relationship?
How difficult is it for you to reach out and ask for help?
Do you have trouble knowing or asking for what you need?
Do you prefer to work alone instead of with others?
Would you rather be with others or engage in solo activities?
Do you often judge others for not being more self-sufficient?
How important is your career and work life in comparison to your personal relationships?
If you responded yes to many of these questions, you may be someone with an avoidant attachment style. If you would like a more detailed picture of how you behave or adapt in relationships, please take this quiz: https://traumasolutions.com/attachment-styles-quiz/#start-quiz
I Have An Avoidant Attachment Style and Want to Change It. How Can Somatic Therapy San Francisco Help?
If you do have an avoidant attachment style, do not worry. All of us have attachment adaptations (styles) and have tendencies towards certain attachment styles. Each attachment style, whether it is anxious, avoidant, or disorganized has its strengths and challenges. The good news is that whatever attachment style is changeable: you can move towards more secure attachment with the use of dynamic attachment repatterning, a somatic therapy method available through somatic therapy San Francisco. To move towards secure attachment, it is necessary to be in a relationship in a thoughtful, deliberate way and dynamic attachment repatterning (by Diane Poole Heller) provides a therapeutic relationship where people feel safe in their own bodies and able to notice their previous relationship patterns. By having new therapeutic experiences while in relationship, you will eventually learn to enjoy being with others and shift towards more secure attachment.
I hope this blog helped dispel some myths about avoidant and attachment and attachment styles in general. If you have questions about your attachment style and would like to feel more secure in relationships and while dating, please contact me at lisa@lisamanca.com.