Can You Date From An Embodied Place? Anxious attachment and dating.

Somatic Therapy San Francisco

Tell me if this sounds familiar: You finally get the urge to date and are looking for companionship. You wade through the horror shows that are dating apps and find someone that seems appealing enough to you get out of the house on a first date. You make yourself look presentable, pump yourself up, and somehow tame your anxiety enough to make it to the restaurant. You meet your potential love interest and go through the evening. . .talking, eating food, and going through the motions. After you say goodbye, you debrief with a friend. “How did it go?” they ask. “Did you like them? Do you want to see them again?” Oddly, you cannot recall how you truly felt. You don’t remember anything in particular and if someone were able to ask you to pinpoint sensations in your body you would be at a loss. You know that you went on a date and just assume you need to go on another date with this person but not because you necessarily like them. . .in fact, you don’t know how you feel. Your bodily cues and all the information they could give you about your potential new partner seem inaccessible. All you know is that no matter what, you are invested in making sure that you get another date and this person likes you.

How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Dating Anxiety

If this scenario resonates with you, you may have an anxious attachment style. As Diane Poole Heller comments, our attachment style is smart. It is the best way we found to have our caregiver meet our needs for food, security, and love when we were an infant and a child. If you are anxiously attached, you found that your caregiver was inconsistent with meeting your needs and this caused you to closely track what was happening with your caregiver. One moment your caregiver may have been loving and attentive and the next time you need them, they were nowhere to be found. Since they could not be depended on, your child self may have adjusted what they needed or their behaviors to receive maximum care. You may have ignored your own needs and tried to make yourself smaller to get the most connection you could from your caregiver.

Unfortunately and sometimes fortunately, how we bonded with our first caregiver can set the template for how we act in relationships later on in life. With anxious attachment style, you may have trouble trusting in other people and yourself and become very focused on your partner. You may find dating stressful and anxiety provoking, especially in the early stages.

Here are some statements that may help you assess whether you have an anxious attachment style. Note if you agree, disagree, or feel neutral about these statements. (These statements are from traumasolutions.com).

I often find myself yearning for someone who is unavailable to me.

It is difficult for me to say NO or to set realistic boundaries.

I find myself struggling to feel safe in a relationship, even when a big part of me knows the other person is trustworthy.

I often prioritize other people’s needs ahead of my own.

Protection often feels out of reach for me. I struggle to feel safe with my partner.

I often apologize for things I haven’t done, simply because I fear upsetting or losing the other person.

I often expect the worst to happen in my relationships.

I often have trouble asking for or knowing what I need.

I feel uncomfortable expressing my own needs when I’m in a close relationship.

If you agreed with many of these statements, you may have an anxious attachment style. If you would like to get more information about your attachment style, please take this quiz by Diane Poole Heller by clicking here. By learning about our attachment style, we can start to repattern our attachment style to feel more secure.

How Somatic Therapy San Francisco Can Help Your Repattern Your Attachment Style

If you would like to learn to date less anxiously and work on being more secure when you date, somatic therapy may be especially helpful. Someone who is anxiously attached may have trouble feeling sensations in the body and have difficulty soothing when trying to connect with others. Somatic therapy, especially when working with a therapist who knows how to shift adult attachment styles, can help a person feel more secure, less anxious, and better able to handle the ups and downs that relationships bring. You will learn how to trust your intuition and soothe the anxiety that everyone feels when dating. . .therefore not letting it define your relationship choices. If you are ready to find a partner and feel better while doing it, please reach out by emailing lisa@lisamanca.com. I am also happy to answer questions about anxious attachment, dating anxiety, or somatic therapy San Francisco.